For a long time, I have been thinking about writing a novel. I started writing one in November, but lost track somewhere around January. It’s been two years now working on that project. I have all the characters developed. They have matured. They have had their fair share of success and failure. They laugh and they cry. They live inside my head. I love them and they love me. I have so much to say about them yet I don’t want to. Precisely why I couldn’t write till now.
Humans have this tendency to occupy things, to capture them, to keep them safe, to never share them. As the times have passed, these things have transformed into emotions. I was fascinated yet shocked by the realisation that I don’t want to share my thoughts. I am scared of sharing the characters developed by me. Scared of validation? Maybe. Maybe something else. I just don’t know it yet. Maybe because they aren’t ready to come out yet. Or maybe because I am not strong enough to let them go. Once they are out, they can’t be with me. They will become a part of this world. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads them or not, loves them or not, but they won’t be the same for me, ever again.
Amazing how we can become possessive about the smallest of the things or thoughts, but can let go our careers, our love, or even our freedom. One thing is for sure, people who say that they aren’t insecure and that they don’t have any thing which they fear of losing, they are frikkin’ kidding themselves. Even the smallest of the thoughts which we don’t share can become one of the biggest reasons behind the decisions which can change our lives forever. Never underestimate your emotions. Stolid is just a word. Stolid people don’t exist. It’s a theory by introverts to keep extroverts away. And trust me when I say it, because I am they guy who doesn’t cry at funerals. Or who just never cries. But does it mean that people who are like me don’t have emotions? Nope. We don’t show them. We respect them. And they stay inside us. Forever. Buried.
Reminds me of this funny incident. I was once at this gathering where people were too busy to notice themselves. All of them seemed like running away from each other. It was sort of an official gathering so no one really knew anyone. People were finding corners for themselves so that they can enjoy the occasional drink that they have. Since there were only four corners, so instead of colliding with each other like fucking electrons, they formed small groups and talked about nothing with their eyes constantly finding a corner to run away from the conversation which no one in the group wanted to have in the first place. I think you get the gist because all parties are like this. Then in this particular group, came this gentleman, who started sharing his life story. He talked for 30 minutes and acknowledged everyone who was involved in making his life what it is and trust me, it was on of the most beautiful things I heard that day. Then he asked everyone in his group to share an incident from their life which they cherished the most. Two of the group members excused themselves from this and walked away with their phones attached to their ears, and the rest of them simply denied saying “Arey nahi Sir abhi late ho raha hai, fir kabhi”. The gentleman saw me smiling when all this was happening. After half an hour he came to me and told, “People will always judge your story, but they will never tell theirs, because they fear of being judged. Never in your life judge anyone before having the courage to tell your story to this world.” Of course all of this was in Hindi, and of course the guy was too drunk, but to think about it, he was right. No matter how bad your story is, or how weird your characters are, if you can have the courage to share them, you are doing at least one thing right. It’s not about how to share, or with whom to share, it’s just… Share.
We are too busy with our lives that we don’t find time for ourselves. We don’t develop our thoughts. Trust me, imagination is a bloody brilliant thing, and we should use it often. Imagine yourself in different situations, at different places, in different time zones, eating, drinking, flying. Develop characters. Talk to them. Develop perspectives. See things with different angles. Stop judging. Start writing if you can. Or maybe just jot down some points in your head. It can be about the simplest of the things like how you felt when you slept under a starry sky or when you noticed the shape of the tree for the first time in a bright afternoon with birds chirping above your head or whether crows can get lung cancer by the smoke from your cigarette. It can be anything. Just observe things keenly. You will feel contented, trust me.
I don’t have a fucking idea why I wrote this post, but you know what, it feels good.
P.S: I am not weird or crazy.