Swiss Banks open branches across India


In a move that will come as relief to young upcoming politicians, old stalwarts and college student association members, the infamous set of Swiss Banks have decided to open branches all across the country. It is believed that this move will a) expose young and still unadulterated students/youth of the country to concepts and experience of black money, and b) reduce the travel costs of going to Switzerland and depositing the black money in person.

Increased security for ATM machines

Every ATM of the Swiss banks will get extra security of three-four (or maybe more, depending on the locality) dogs, like every other ATM in our country. Dogs are really looking forward to this “cool” environment. One dog even peed at the construction site in excitement.

The black and white dilemma!

Meanwhile robbers are in a dilemma of whether to rob the bank or not. Chotu Begana, an experienced bank robber, said,  “We welcome this move of Swiss authorities whole-heartedly, but many of us are having two minds about it. We are not yet sure about the fact that if we rob the bank containing all the black money, will the money be called white money? Coz as far as I know, two blacks make white, two wrongs make right.” 

“Ye RSS ka hath hai”

Digvijay Singh has come forward and asked to put his hand gesture as the password of his locker. When Swiss officials asked what he would name this password (for security purposes, of course), he said “RSS ka haath”. This would not only serve as a good security password, but would also save him from all the trouble if he gets caught, because investigating agencies would clearly go after RSS in such a case.

vaultThe Swiss banks, issuing a statement said that they feel that India has emerged as a hotbed for money laundering and are eager to tap India’s potential, by attracting new clients as well as offering better services to their existing clients, helping them plan tax evasions and scams. Researchers believe the catalyst for this move is that the banks have earned a lot of money during the recent FIFA World Cup since all the politicians, being the loyal customers that they are, put their money on Switzerland, and Switzerland lost pretty badly. 

Workshops for Student Council members from colleges

It is also reported that some Swiss banks have contacted some premier educational institutions in the country with a proposal to set up branches inside the campus. Going forward, they plan to conduct seminars and workshops for student leaders on diversion of sponsorhip as well as alumni funds to personal accounts. 

P.S: First published here.

P.P.S: Co-written by Pratik.

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