You are being missed.

There she was, raising her arms, to say “Hello”. It was a function organised by her school committee in Kamani Auditorium. She was in a special school. She wasn’t a perfect child. She wasn’t a normal child, for that matter. She had problems with speaking clearly, suffered from a low IQ, and was blessed with a pure heart, unlike normal people.

It was some sort of a Play. The stage was coloured with different kids, each of them with some unique problems. The audience was built up by their parents. There were also siblings like me who were assholes enough to not give a fuck at what was going on. I was busy. In texting. Making sounds. Staring at girls. I was probably trying to do everything but look at the stage. And there they were, enacting a play about forests. My sister was given the role of a tree, and she was performing it quite beautifully by roaming around the stage with a teacher chasing her to bring her back to her position. When she stood at one place, the other tree started moving. It seemed like the whole scene was inspired by Lord of the Rings. But sadly, it was not. When she saw me, she screamed “Bhaiyaaaaaa” at a voice which can make Arnab Goswami blush. I ignored it as if I didn’t hear her. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of those kids who understood nothing. This doesn’t make sense right? Exactly, it didn’t. But forget about replying, I didn’t even look at her. The whole play got over after half an hour and we were allowed to take ‘our’ kids with us. My father hugged her so tightly that I was embarrassed. Again. I don’t know what’s up with me and embarrassment. We seem to mix together quite a lot. My mother removed her brown cap which she was wearing to get the look of a tree. I ignored her, again. We came back home.

A few days back, I was at GK-2. GK-2, if you don’t know, is one of the most Posh colonies in Delhi. I was there with my girlfriend. We were drunk, drunk enough to realise that we were drunk enough. Oh, I forgot. We had company. Her bestfriend was with us the entire time. When we came out of the Lounge, they both started talking with each other, forgetting the fact that I was with them. But I was okay with that. Not because I didn’t have any other choice, but because I am an introvert, and introverts are okay with anything and everything. So as they walked down the street, making the road look like an auditorium, I noticed something. An aunty, nearly 40, was carrying her kid in her arms. It was awkward because the kid was no less than 14 years. This wasn’t what caught my attention. It was something more. It was the brown cap that the kid was carrying, which he intentionally/unintentionally dropped on the road, just in front of me. When I was about to give him the cap, I realised it was the same cap that my sister wore that day. A replica. Everything was blurry already due to the booze and then the cloud of tears were about to burst. But I started making jokes. That’s the thing about me. Make me uncomfortable and I will make you laugh. Leave me in an awkward situation and I will make you laugh. I don’t get along with emotions. I don’t let them enter my heart. I don’t want to. I have stored some of them there and trust me, I am fine with it. So yes, I returned the cap to him while ruffling his hair. The aunty said “Thanks”. I said “No problem”. There was a pain behind that no problem.


That day when we came home, she asked if I liked her play. I said it was okay. You need to be still if you are performing the character of a tree. She ignored it. A few days later we were in the hospital. She was suffering from cancer. We tried everything that we possibly could have, an average salaried family could have. But it wasn’t enough. She died a week later..and her body was still. So were my heartbeats. So were the trees. She acted quite beautifully that day.

There was a pain behind that ‘no problem’. I wanted to take that cap and bury my face in that forever. I wanted to cry hard, for once. I wanted to escape. I wanted to meet her for one last time and say “You will be okay” and that “I love you” and that “I miss you”. But I couldn’t. It was too late. It was too late to say that I watched the entire play and she was goddamn brilliant. I wanted to get up and hug her when she screamed Bhaiyya. If time gave me another chance, I would have figured out something to solve her problems, to make her read, write, learn, live. But the only chance that I had, i ignored. I don’t know where she is right now, or what she is doing, but what all I know is, I would have loved her. And I still do. I always will. I guess it’s too late to say this. But dear sister, I miss you. Come, visit us. See your dad crying when we leave him alone in the room for a while, see your Mother crying when she is making food, all alone in that kitchen where you used to help her in making rotis. See your brother crying, once in a blue moon, when he writes his diary, or this blogpost if that matters.


Come, please. You are being missed.

P.S: I haven’t edited this. I haven’t even read this again. So there might be some typos and all.


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31 thoughts on “You are being missed.

  1. Nobody is perfect. Not me, not even you. All of us have made some mistakes, those which we later come to regret. I feel your pain, for I too was in a similar situation. Just hang on buddy. Don’t lose hope, faith and love for your loved ones despite their absence.


  2. As they say, you never actually realise the value of something until its gone. And there remain just regrets, and some more. But I am sure you will pull through this. You were still special to her. And will always be.


  3. There is nothing better than a sibling in this world. We can’t show it to them that we love them the way we show to our parents or our friends or our girlfriend or boyfriend. But you know that you love her and that’s the biggest you can do to show her. She is somewhere sitting and smiling, must have read your mind when you wrote this beautiful post and must have said “I love you too Bhaiyya” I’m sure. She’s always with you.

    This is really beautiful, what you wrote. It doesn’t need editing because it is straight from the heart 🙂


  4. I got goose bumps reading this article and tears too 😦 bt still u managed to pen it down atleast u r true to ur heart , But do remember may it be ne kind of feelings or love it has to be expressed ! No point bolting it down under giving it a title as “embarrassment “. Don’t plz . plz dont take me wrong !
    God bless her ,may her soul rest in peace always !

    Empathy and condolence tc friend .


  5. Having tears in ma eyes…yes m emotinal bt yes i too lv dis relation..i hv 1 big brothr..due to sm problms v r nt same lik v smwhr i 9 he lovs me nd me u bhaiya


  6. Reblogged this on blackjackblogger and commented:
    “But I started making jokes. That’s the thing about me. Make me uncomfortable and I will make you laugh. Leave me in an awkward situation and I will make you laugh. I don’t get along with emotions. I don’t let them enter in my heart. I don’t want to. I have stored some of them there and trust me, I am fine with it.”
    So Simple yet so heartwarming.Best I have read in recent times


  7. Hey Vishal !
    Whenever you lose someone special you gain a God. Don’t worry. You know where she is . She is right now in the best of her health watching you from the heavens 🙂
    Don’t regret the things that makes you cry. She will always shower her blessings as a tree does to every being who sits under it.


  8. You should put a disclaimer on this “You might end up in an awkward situation after reading the post”.
    I was crying n crying n crying in my office after i read it. May be coz I could relate to it. I also lost my sister 3 yrs back and i feel I had been such a terrible sister to her. Only if god can give me just one day to express, how special she was to me. Only if…


  9. There really are so many things that you wished you did right. So many words you wished you had said at the right time. But time is stolen so damn fast. I won’t say I feel your pain, because I havent been in such a place. All I can say is, this brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes.
    Every word touched my heart; every feeling was so raw, so honest…
    Kudos to you for writing this. And wherever she might be, your sister must be so proud of having you for a sibling after this.
    I hope you feel better soon 🙂


  10. We live for ourselves, isn’t it? Our inner instincts are made to preserve ourselves. So, if you didn’t realize what you have, and what you were gonna lose, its just happened. There are another reasons to cry for…


  11. This is beautiful. I’m tearing up right now. I’m very sorry for your loss. Wherever she is, I’m sure she’d be very proud of you..


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