I don’t know.
On a good day, I speak about 20 sentences out loud. On an average, 10 of them are generally “I don’t know”. Do you know this has happened here and it’s affecting that? I don’t know. Do you wanna like go out and get something to eat later today? I don’t know. Have you figured out life like what will you do in the next five years? Well… I don’t know.
There are times when I feel like I really don’t know what I want. More money? Eh who doesn’t want that. But will it ever be enough? All of this? Any of this? I don’t know. Matt Damon once said in an interview how grateful he was when he won an Oscar at 27, simply because of the fact that then he had nothing to look forward to. It is the highest accolade that one looks forward to in that industry. Many people, all their lives keep chasing that trophy and when they finally get one in their 80s, they realise this isn’t what they were looking for. This didn’t fill the void. This never will. Nothing ever will.
Then what next? I don’t know. It’s really bemusing how we never really know the way we are gonna live our next day yet we keep making these plans, the short lived non sensical plans to give ourselves the satisfaction of stability. Ah, my life is so stable. I have plans. “You wanna watch a movie this Saturday? I will book tickets.” “Yeah sure, why not.” Let’s at least plan the three hours of the next weekend and worry about the rest of the days later. Something to look forward to, at least. Something to hang by, to console yourself life isn’t that bad after all, let’s try killing ourselves after Saturday. Let’s watch that damn movie. So the saturday comes and you go watch that damn movie. Movie is over, now what, asks the void, spreading it’s legs all over again. Well, I don’t know, you say?
And the void says nothing. And you say nothing. You go back home and sit. Maybe read the review of the movie you just watched and agree with whatever one person on internet has said and outrage on whatever the other person has said. And you write one piece on how you agree with the first person. You post it in a hope that many other people will agree with you for agreeing with that person. Some don’t. You block them. You don’t want negativity in your life. Void is enough. Validation too, somedays. All Vs. Time is passing by. 7 years have gone by. Oh shit, 10 now. You look back at one of those reviews and think how naive you were. Posting your opinions on an outdated site. Ugh. You are wiser now. The void is wiser now. You have stopped sharing anything with people. You assume they judge. Then one day you meet someone who doesn’t. You go out for a movie with that person. You try to impress that person. Share your opinions. Seek validation. Post it on the new site that you are on. People agree. Disagree. The person doesn’t turn out to be what you expected him/her to be. Ah, not again, you sigh. Told ya, says the void. Should I pop those pills? Maybe. I don’t know.
The point is life is tough. Plans are short lived. All that is there is the void. Don’t kill yourself. We gotta survive. But why? I don’t know.
I don’t know.